*** This happened Sunday, but I am just now able to post it. Thank you all for your caring words, thoughts and prayers.
This is a terrible post to have to do. I wish today had gone differently. I wish today hadn't arrived so swiftly. I wish I could go back a week in time and just remain there, blissfully unaware of what is about to happen.
I lost the baby today.
I am grief-stricken by it. Wishing there weren't so many people to tell. But, thankful there are so many to help raise me up out of the grief.
I will be ok. We all will. But, it is a terrible loss to endure.
Please forgive me if I am unable to speak about it for a while. I can't fathom what to say.
I hate seeing my husband grieve.
I hate seeing the sadness in Cooper's eyes.
I hate every cramp I am experiencing, reminding me what is happening.
I am thankful for all the friends and family trying to help us through this.
We will be ok. I will be ok. But it feels like such a heartbreak. How does one get over the love of a being so tiny and unknown? I will never hold this child in my earthly arms. Will never look into the eyes of this baby. But, I am attached forever. This baby is ours and I know we will meet again.
I love you sweetheart.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
~abby
May 30, 2011
May 28, 2011
Solution
This is an emotional post for me.
Carter is the baby of this home, at least for the next 7 months. And he is such a tiny kid and doesn't have to speak a whole lot because he has his brother to speak for him. So, it is easy to just let him be the BABY. But really, he is a toddler.
This child loves to climb. Everything. And it can be quite alarming to find him standing in the middle of the dining room table. Or the very back of the couch, in the window. Or, on the back of the recliner. (Letting go, just to have the sensation of falling, I think!) But, none of that is as alarming as hearing him fall out of his crib and the crying afterwards.
He was totally fine and I think he was fortunate enough to land on the cushion of his diaper, truth-be-told.
But, I knew the jig was up. He is no longer a baby, and the crib was no longer an option. Once he figures something out he does it over and over and over. Can't risk the major trauma of a bigger fall.
So, I wept. For the loss of the baby-ness. For the fact that this would somehow make him older than what I wanted him to be. And, because I am pregnant, also know as incredibly hormonal.
So, here is the solution. I am so proud. We are starting him on the floor on his mattress until I find a toddler bed for him. Getting him used to not having the confining bars around him. Yesterday at nap time, Cory laid with him until he fell asleep. Last night, I was with him as he fell asleep at bedtime. And today. Oh, my. Today, I gave him his ba-ba and told him it was nap time and he went. He laid down on his big-boy bed and curled up and went right to sleep.
He didn't NEED me.
(Commence weeping....)
I am so proud.
Love & Laughter,
abby
Carter is the baby of this home, at least for the next 7 months. And he is such a tiny kid and doesn't have to speak a whole lot because he has his brother to speak for him. So, it is easy to just let him be the BABY. But really, he is a toddler.
This child loves to climb. Everything. And it can be quite alarming to find him standing in the middle of the dining room table. Or the very back of the couch, in the window. Or, on the back of the recliner. (Letting go, just to have the sensation of falling, I think!) But, none of that is as alarming as hearing him fall out of his crib and the crying afterwards.
He was totally fine and I think he was fortunate enough to land on the cushion of his diaper, truth-be-told.
But, I knew the jig was up. He is no longer a baby, and the crib was no longer an option. Once he figures something out he does it over and over and over. Can't risk the major trauma of a bigger fall.
So, I wept. For the loss of the baby-ness. For the fact that this would somehow make him older than what I wanted him to be. And, because I am pregnant, also know as incredibly hormonal.
So, here is the solution. I am so proud. We are starting him on the floor on his mattress until I find a toddler bed for him. Getting him used to not having the confining bars around him. Yesterday at nap time, Cory laid with him until he fell asleep. Last night, I was with him as he fell asleep at bedtime. And today. Oh, my. Today, I gave him his ba-ba and told him it was nap time and he went. He laid down on his big-boy bed and curled up and went right to sleep.
He didn't NEED me.
(Commence weeping....)
I am so proud.
Love & Laughter,
abby
May 23, 2011
Announcement
I know I have been quiet the past several days...
We have a big announcement in our home.
Turns out, a few weeks ago when Cooper "forecasted" a baby sister to several people, well...
It turns out there is a baby.
(If it turns out to be a girl, I will loan Cooper out for his prophetic abilities.)
We are overjoyed.
We are blessed.
Love & Laughter,
abby
We have a big announcement in our home.
Turns out, a few weeks ago when Cooper "forecasted" a baby sister to several people, well...
It turns out there is a baby.
(If it turns out to be a girl, I will loan Cooper out for his prophetic abilities.)
We are overjoyed.
We are blessed.
Love & Laughter,
abby
May 16, 2011
Patience
Tara is such a patient dog with this puppy.
I find them like this often. Just sleeping away the afternoon.
I need more of what Tara seems to have plenty of... patience.
Because today, I felt like this face. My sentiments exactly, Carter.
I feel ya.
Oh, these boys. I adore them.
Love & Laughter,
abby
May 11, 2011
Dear Strong-willed 4 year old,
You are testing me. And there are days that I am failing. There are days that it is overwhelming.
But, I will not give up and I will not let you win this battle of wills.
This isn't really about who is winning...
This is about the man that you will be someday.
I have the responsibility to get you to that destination, to adulthood.
I suppose it will always feel daunting.
I pray it isn't always this exhausting.
So, help me. Help me by listening. Help me by being kind. Help me by learning from your mistakes. Help me by showing compassion. Help me, dear one.
I love you.
So much.
Love,
Your Mommy
But, I will not give up and I will not let you win this battle of wills.
This isn't really about who is winning...
This is about the man that you will be someday.
I have the responsibility to get you to that destination, to adulthood.
I suppose it will always feel daunting.
I pray it isn't always this exhausting.
So, help me. Help me by listening. Help me by being kind. Help me by learning from your mistakes. Help me by showing compassion. Help me, dear one.
I love you.
So much.
Love,
Your Mommy
May 6, 2011
A week without
We were missing Daddy this week. Part of his job takes him away occasionally for training. I was VERY worried at how Cooper's behavior could take a downward spiral while his "best friend" (as he would lovingly refer to him) was gone. But, I was pleasantly surprised at my boy. I even caught him trying to help with the dishes the other evening while I was giving the baby a bath. Needless to say, there was water EVERYWHERE, but the intention was pure.
Every night he prayed for his Daddy's safe return home. And, every night it brought tears to my eyes. He had genuine concern, even though he knew Daddy would be home soon and safely. I love listening to my child talk to God. It feels like a conversation to a friend. The way it should be.
I have such an amazing group of family and friends. So many offered to take crazy boy #1 for an afternoon or an evening, or whatever I might need. Some offered playdates at the park or at their homes. Some offered to make dinner, or let me spend the night at their house! What a blessing to have so much love in the world. I hope I am as much of a blessing to them.
This was our week in a few pictures...
I have to confess, I really am sad when my husband is absent. Even for an evening. His job is unpredictable. We have to go with the flow, and take it in stride. He is amazing. I am at home with our children every day because he is the provider and doesn't mind "living without" for a few years. I am thankful. We missed him so much. Even if it was only for a few days.
Love & Laughter,
abby
Every night he prayed for his Daddy's safe return home. And, every night it brought tears to my eyes. He had genuine concern, even though he knew Daddy would be home soon and safely. I love listening to my child talk to God. It feels like a conversation to a friend. The way it should be.
I have such an amazing group of family and friends. So many offered to take crazy boy #1 for an afternoon or an evening, or whatever I might need. Some offered playdates at the park or at their homes. Some offered to make dinner, or let me spend the night at their house! What a blessing to have so much love in the world. I hope I am as much of a blessing to them.
This was our week in a few pictures...
Talking to his daddy before bed.
Ok, actually WAY past bedtime. But, o-well. Bedtime has never been our strong-suit. Ever.
He still hasn't mastered keeping the phone up to his ear. He treats it like a walkie-talkie. :)
Gave Carter a haircut this week. This is me attempting to get a picture of said haircut...
Don't look, Carter. Don't you do it!
(Also, can I say, this boy LOVES to brush his teeth.)
Carter... please look at mommy.
Mmmm k. Well, we mohawked it and I am sad to report this is the only picture where he looked at the camera.
Priceless.
Brother had to hawk it up too. (Carter is still chewing on the toothbrush.)
This haircut took 2 days to accomplish. We cut a little and then he would start acting like a wild boy and I was afraid of cutting an ear off. Finally, on day 2 of the "procedure" I threw down a tray of mini marshmallows and he held still enough to finish. Not my best work, but it will suffice.
Cooper had a Spring Sing event while Daddy was gone too. We videoed so that he could see it when he got home. Cooper was nervous at first, then hammed it up, as expected.
I don't know if it was the gym, or what, but all the pictures I took look this grainy. Weird. Haven't figured the new camera out completely.
So, it was a good week. Better than expected, I'd say.
I have to confess, I really am sad when my husband is absent. Even for an evening. His job is unpredictable. We have to go with the flow, and take it in stride. He is amazing. I am at home with our children every day because he is the provider and doesn't mind "living without" for a few years. I am thankful. We missed him so much. Even if it was only for a few days.
Love & Laughter,
abby
May 4, 2011
Trickery
*Disclaimer... This post is about poop.
**2nd Disclaimer... I will, I imagine, from time to time have such posts, as I live with 3 boys.
Carter has tricked me about six times over the last two weeks in the bathtub. Pooping each and every time. I can count on two fingers the number of times Cooper ever pooped in the tub. And, we are not talking about sneaky kind of tricks here. Nope, all the tell-tale signs...
-Funny kind of grin on his face.
-Standing up and then... squatting in the water.
-And finally, enormous rumbles coming from his backside in the water.
You would think, as have I, that I would have caught on by now. Nope, again. I keep believing he can't possibly be doing THAT again. No way. Tricky, tricky. Well played, Carter. Your mommy should have her "Mommy card" revoked.
My tub is officially the cleanest in the county.
Moving on.
Too much information you say? Nonsense. Moving on...
Cooper had a moment the other night. He thought he would be funny and direct a flatulent moment towards his mommy. Turns out, the joke was on him. All over him, in fact. I would have laughed harder had it not been for the fact that I had to clean up the disaster. How does this happen to a four year old, some of you non-mommy types might ask? I blame too much cantaloupe for lunch. Happens to the best of them.
Cory has been noticeably absent during these, um, we will go with, "ripe" incidents. He has valid excuses for each and every moment. Not that it excuses him. He could have the decency to take a turn in the sewer of parenthood.
Love & Laughter,
abby
**2nd Disclaimer... I will, I imagine, from time to time have such posts, as I live with 3 boys.
Carter has tricked me about six times over the last two weeks in the bathtub. Pooping each and every time. I can count on two fingers the number of times Cooper ever pooped in the tub. And, we are not talking about sneaky kind of tricks here. Nope, all the tell-tale signs...
-Funny kind of grin on his face.
-Standing up and then... squatting in the water.
-And finally, enormous rumbles coming from his backside in the water.
You would think, as have I, that I would have caught on by now. Nope, again. I keep believing he can't possibly be doing THAT again. No way. Tricky, tricky. Well played, Carter. Your mommy should have her "Mommy card" revoked.
My tub is officially the cleanest in the county.
Moving on.
Too much information you say? Nonsense. Moving on...
Cooper had a moment the other night. He thought he would be funny and direct a flatulent moment towards his mommy. Turns out, the joke was on him. All over him, in fact. I would have laughed harder had it not been for the fact that I had to clean up the disaster. How does this happen to a four year old, some of you non-mommy types might ask? I blame too much cantaloupe for lunch. Happens to the best of them.
Cory has been noticeably absent during these, um, we will go with, "ripe" incidents. He has valid excuses for each and every moment. Not that it excuses him. He could have the decency to take a turn in the sewer of parenthood.
Love & Laughter,
abby
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